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14

May

I Wanna Sext U Up: Your Guide to Emoji Sexting

Right this minute someone is probably out there using their new 3D printer to make some sort of weird dildo. If that’s not proof of what a highly evolved technological era we’re living in I don’t know what is. Sexting had its time in the spotlight and the truth is it’s still happening everywhere around you. As our smartphones change so do the ways we express our libidinous needs. Regular sexting is for old-fashioned losers still carrying Blackberrys around, so unless you wanna pigeonhole yourself into sounding like an outdated idiot - stop yourself before asking someone “A/S/L?” - you better download a good Emoji app.

Here’s a breakdown of some commonly used sexting gestures, along with a few that are a little kinkier. We’re here to help you explore all your options. Maybe your Emoji keyboard will open up a whole new orifice of your body or ew, no, that’s not what we meant to say. We recommend sending these little works of art without warning to your hot piece(s) of ass. Y’know, keep things fresh and exciting. And what’s more exciting than an eggplant jizzing? -BBFLYNN

THE CLASSIC: Works well for those who are on the run but want their lover to know they’re thinking of genitals thrusting together. The other variation is multiple hand gestures in a row, as this adds an exciting level of urgency to future fucking.

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THE BJ/HJ: There’s a chance your sex hands weren’t met with the response you wanted. Now what? Suggest oral. Duh.

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As an aside, don’t be surprised or offended if you get this in reply to anything: 

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That’s just a celebratory motion that says, Hallelujah! We just scheduled a future sex (with love sounds?) date with each other. 

69?: This is clearly what this is for, Cancers of the zodiac be damned. Adds a little dose of color to the boring old numeric keypad. Look how hip and flirtatious you are using these fancy symbols!

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On some lick-you-like-a-lollipop shit: Maybe you actually are sweet on them if you’re using something so Lil Wayne-cheesy. Careful. It could be misinterpreted as needing to replace your cigarettes with lollipops or they might think you’re just on a sugar high.

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For the butt plug fetishists: Okay, now this is serious. You better really have a good idea of just how kinky your partner is willing to get if you’re gonna hit send on this one. I mean….. There’s no turning back after that.image

Bestiality/poop lovers: Gross! If you’re using this one often then you have a better idea of what it means than the rest of us but seriously. I’ve never seen cartoon caca used in such an offensive way while still smiling so big.

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Drunk sex aka College: Just lighthearted fun that you can text to your girl/guy when you are in the bar bathroom. image

The Kim Kardashian aka the Teen Mom: Don’t forget to slowly insert a little adventurous take on your regular routine. Break out the camera, pray you’ll hit it first with some gross ‘rapper’ and see if you make millions. Why not?

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Statutory rapists: It might be a warning sign if someone is sending you this, or if you’re the one sending it around - stop. You cougar, you.

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